CZW Presents: The First Annual ANNIVERSARY ROAST!


* cZw! *

The camera quickly comes into focus, showing quick shots of New York City and surrounding areas. Finally, the scene cuts to an outside shot of The Friar’s Club New York, and the people in attendance inside are buzzing with excitement. The buzzing quickly bursts into cheers as a generic rock sample track begins to play, signaling the beginning of CZW’s First Annual Anniversary Roast!!!

Voice-Over: Welcome to CZW’s First Annual Anniversary Roast!!! With the Man Of The Hour, the World Heavyweight Champion, Maynard O’Toole!!! Featuring special guests Matt Covey! Krimzon Blaze! Eddie Rowan! Shawn Waters! Mike Monroe! And many more!!!

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the Roastmaster for the evening… ACE KING!

Cheers burst out as the camera cuts to the room in which the roast will be occurring, the walls adorned with multiple eyes blinking at the audience. They cheer once more as the biggest eye in the room opens up, revealing itself to be a door. Ace King steps through the door and appears at the podium, clad in a completely black suit.

Ace King: Ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to thank you all for coming out tonight, and welcome to the CZW Roast of Maynard O’Toole. It’s nice to see all of you here this evening. El Pablo, thanks for taking time away from the blood clinic…

There is a laugh from the audience followed by an “OOH!!!” as El Pablo just shakes his head and throws his hands up in protest. Ace smirks before continuing.

Ace King: Now, I see we also have Tim Timmons with us this evening.

Tim just holds his head in his hands as Ace addresses him directly.

Ace King: Tim, I hear you’ve been going around calling yourself “Canada’s Finest” lately. Allow me to just crush that thought right now, because I can think of one Canadian who is MUCH better than you…

The audience is buzzing as he walks over to Tim, who is sitting next to fellow Canadian Brian Blaze. Ace looks at both of them, smirks once more, and then points out to the audience…

Ace King: EVANGELINE MORGAN, ladies and gentlemen!!!

The audience bursts out into a fit of laughter, with a few whistles for Evangeline mixed in, and she acknowledges the audience by standing up at her seat. At this point, the entire gathering on the stage is in stitches (With Matt Covey having done a spit-take) after Ace’s complete bashing of both Tim and Brian. Ace just laughs and returns to the podium.

Ace King: And of course, who can forget…

As he says this, he is looking directly at Chris Ross and Kimo Newton. Chris appears to be getting a bit tense, while Kimo desperately attempts to restrain “The Hawaiian Phenomenon”. Ace just shrugs his shoulders and returns to the podium.

Ace King: …AAH, I’m sure it’ll come back to me later.

Ross appears incensed that the Roastmaster has forgotten his name, and the audience responds by laughing uncontrollably. Newton is barely able to restrain Ross as Ace continues to talk.

Ace King: But of course, we’re not here to bash each other… Yet. Tonight, we honor our newly-minted World Heavyweight Champion. Let’s take a look back at the still-young career of Maynard O’Toole.

At this point, a video begins to play as the audience applauds. The video is set to “Loco” by Coal Chamber, O’Toole’s first entrance music in CZW. To start things off, a title card reading CHAMPION pops up onto the screen, and highlights of O’Toole’s run as the longest Intercontinental Champion in CZW history are shown, followed by the image of Maynard holding the World Heavyweight Championship high upon the conclusion of Beginning Of The End. Then, a title card reading COMEDIAN is shown, and highlights of Maynard’s various conquests (Particularly, his visit to Sir El Of Pablo [DUN DUN DUNNN]) are displayed. Then, a title card reading STI MAGNET appears, to the delight of the audience. Scenes of Maynard bedding Jenny Jacobs, Hellena, Cameron, and Jesse Montana (?!?!?!) all appear on the screen. Suddenly, the video stops, and the STI MAGNET card appears once more, as do the subsequent clips. The sequence then repeats again… And again… And again. The producers finally cut away from the video, and the camera zooms in on a rather perplexed Ace. He just shrugs his shoulders before continuing.

Ace King: Heh. I guess the guys back there had that last part on a loop.

The audience bursts into a fit of laughter as Ace develops a mischievous smirk on his face. Ace is still smirking as he continues to talk.

Ace King: Ladies and gentlemen, it is my privilege to introduce to you… The new World Heavyweight Champion, Maynard O’Toole.

The audience is standing as "Die Eier von Satan" begins to play. The eye opens once more, and Maynard O’Toole steps out, hearing possibly the first cheers he’s ever heard in CZW. Maynard and Ace talk for a moment before shaking hands. O’Toole then takes his seat in a chair on a platform next to the podium, which is adorned with blinking eyes.

Ace King: Maynard, I’m glad you’ve agreed to do this, and we’ve assembled some guys who are sure to make this a wonderful night for all.

We’ll get things rolling in a moment, but FIRST, we have some testimonials from some of CZW’s finest Superstars, who give their thoughts regarding the first year of Combat Zone Wrestling.

The camera cuts away, and yet another video montage appears...

Krimzon Blaze: CZW... those 3 letters have symbolized wrestling for over a year now... we've got more talent then anyone can go up against, myself included. CZW has come so far already in what should be regarded as the greatest year of CZW thus far... 2009 though, it's gonna be explosive! More matches, More concepts, we're always pushing the boundaries! CZW for life!

Bryan McNally: A whole year...this company has rocked the face of pro wrestling. And I'm thankful to be a part of it. CZW has shown me, life and death in fragile stages. CZW has given me an opportunity, when no one else would...Happy birthday, CZW.

Jesse Montana: For a whole year I have watched the CZW grow, from superstars to feuds to storylines to the actual fed itself, it's only gone one way and that is upwards. I have met many different people, made friendships I never thought I would make, and thoroughly enjoyed being an important member for CZW for many many months. CZW has been like a drug for me and I am truly addicted, for now and for forever, CZW will be in my life.

Alan Fiscus: CZW has definitely meant more to me than any other fed, and when I first joined in Dec. '07 I had no idea what impact it would leave on me. I've made very good friendships, been excited about very good match ups, and witnessed some of the best work I've ever seen from some of these guys. Here's to another strong year!

The video ends, and Ace appears on the screen once more. Ace adjusts his tie before beginning to speak once more.

Ace King: Wow, I knew that this was a bad idea. I get these guys to write their own intros and everything goes wrong! There’s so many spelling mistakes in this introduction that I can’t even read this on the teleprompter!

The crowd bursts out laughing, along with plenty of “OOOOOOOOH!” calls from the audience. Ace wastes no time in continuing.

Ace King: *sigh* Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the first Roaster of the evening, Canada’s Not-Quite-Finest... TIM TIMMONS!!!

At this point, a polka mash-up of every one of Tim’s theme songs is played by the in-house band. Tim goes to get out of his chair, but then he stops halfway to the podium. He shakes his head at Ace, feeds him a double middle-finger response, and he proceeds to make his way out of the room through the large eye. Ace just shrugs his shoulders before speaking again.

Ace King: What can I say? He probably didn’t want to end up tapping out again for some unknown reason.

There are a few lukewarm cheers from the audience, including somebody yelling out “LOL SON!” at the back of the room, which really gets people laughing. Ace flashes a cheesy smile for the audience before continuing.

Ace King: ANYHOW, moving on... Our next Roaster likes to call himself Mr. Entertainment. ...Unfortunately, that’s not what she said. Ladies and gentlemen, here is... BRIAN BLAZE!!!

The audience is laughing uncontrollably once more as Brian Blaze stands up to make his way to the podium. However, just as he is about to reach the podium... Blaze throws up. Medical staff quickly make their way to the stage to attend to Brian Blaze as the audience gasps at the sudden development. As the medical team takes Blaze away, Ace is left to follow up on this recent event.

Ace King: Well... I guess BB Gun accidentally shot a few projectiles, AM I RIGHT?

The audience is almost disgusted with Ace’s attempts to turn the unfortunate situation into a joke. Some audience members need to be restrained from throwing tomatoes at Ace. For his part, Ace attempts to take it in stride.

Ace King: Go ahead, throw them. I’d be more threatened if it were shoes that you were throwing.

The audience is suddenly in hysterics once more after Ace’s dig at the President. Ace smirks quickly before continuing. As he does, Tim Timmons and Brian Blaze inexplicably re-appear on stage.

Ace King: Ladies and gentlemen, the evening really does need to continue, so without further adieu, allow me to introduce... A man who has tasted gold before... A man who has been aligned with Maynard O’Toole in the past... A man who has made movies with Maynard O’Toole?!?!?! ...The hell?!?!?! ANYHOW, it’s my pleasure to introduce the only guy whose own show has better ratings than The Whole Damn Show... SHAWN WATERS!!!

Shawn is about to get up out of his chair as “Our Revolution” begins to play. Suddenly, it cuts out... Only to have the eye open up once more to reveal MILEY CYRUS! She begins to sing “See You Again”, and Shawn is somewhat freaked out. Nevertheless, Shawn makes his way to the podium through the gales of audience laughter. He gives Ace a bit of a quizzical look before shaking his hand and taking the podium.

Shawn Waters: Goddamnit, you’ve always got a step ahead, don’t you Ace?

Ace just winks and smiles at Shawn, doing his best to suppress a laugh. Waters then looks around at Maynard and the fellow roasters.

Waters: Well...I must say...what a wonderful year it has been. We’ve seen some unbelievable events...EP and Stylez going through a flatbed full of glass...the Tower of Power...and Tim Timmons here actually winning a title...

Tim frowns at Shawn.

Waters: Kidding Timmy...

Shawn smirks.

Waters: ...but none of these events has been more unbelievable then CZW becoming a global phenomenon in less than a year! You know...when I first joined CZW...I never thought I’d amount to anything...and boy was I right.

Everyone laughs as Shawn smirks.

Waters: Seriously though...this is an amazing company...and I’d like to thank you all for being a part of such an eventful year!

Shawn raises his glass.

Waters: Now...before I move on to my...buddy...Maynard O’Toole...I’d first like to say a few words about my fellow roasters here...

Shawn turns to look at Matt Covey.

Waters: Firstly...Matt sure are a bad ass, aren’t you? Now...I was gonna try and be nice to everyone...but you know...where’s the fun in that...Covey...your ass is heading to jail...I’d go back to the trailer park if I were’ll be safe person in their right mind would dare go near a place like that! Cheers!

Shawn raises his glass at Matt.

Waters: Oh...and before I forget...all the chicks you sleep with...they really aren’t that hot...

Shawn then turns to Caleb Walker...

Waters: Caleb! I remember I don’t. Hmmm...oh! Were you the guy getting his ass handed to him over and over while I was working my way to the top? Yeah...I think that’s you...cheers to you anyway...

Shawn looks at Mike Monroe.

Waters: Mike Monroe...aka...The All-American Nightmare...well done on co-founding one of the premier stables of CZW...Beautiful, Tatum, Jacob Havok and Eddie Rowan...the four of you brought Agony mainstream...your team went from a laughing a major threat...and look at you now...Mike Monroe is the X champion! And yes...I realise Eddie pulled a dick move...but you’ve fought back, recruiting both Brian Kirkland and Brian Blaze into the group! If XTC and BA weren’t aligned...I’d fear you group...I salute you, Mike!

Shawn raises his glass to the new X champ!

Waters: Now...continuing the Beautiful Agony trend...Eddie Rowan. The longest reigning X champion in CZW history...the longest reigning champion in CZW history...well’ve destroyed all chances of success’ve joined The Fiscus f**k Buddies! Have fun being second to Fiscus and Covey!

Shawn looks at Timmons now.

Waters: Hey Timmy! You didn’t have the best year last year, did you? Hopefully that changes!

Shawn smirks and looks at BK.

Waters: Ah, Kirkland...for some want to fight me? Why...what have I done to you? Except spiking your drink tonight...

BK spits out the sip of soda he had in his mouth.

Waters: Heh...just kidding...

BK glares at Shawn.

Waters: Well...whatever your reasoning is...I can’t wait to fight’ll be a hell of a clash...

Shawn then turns to Chris Ross...

Waters: Chris Ross! Congratulations on the tremendous amount of success you’ve had over the last year...oh...wait...sorry...wrong person...ummm...uh...good luck this year!

Shawn quickly turns to BB.

Waters: The other Blaze! In the short time you’ve been’ve already made somewhat of an impact! I wish you well in the upcoming year...and will hopefully see you holding gold by the end of it...

Shawn looks at KB, EP and Ace...

Waters: XTC! old rival and now partner...El Pablo...the true X champion! Ace...former World and Intercontinental champion! Thank you all three of you for forgiving me for all my misdeeds in the past...without you guys...I’d probably still be that ass kissing jerk I was many months ago!

Shawn smirks sinisterly. He turns to Maynard.

Waters: And now...Maynard O’Toole...a man who got on my wrong side...pretty much the first time we had contact! You know...until we became team mates and close friends...look at you now...World champion...I must’ve done better than me...and I sincerely congratulate you! It’s not an easy thing to win the World title...but you’ve done it! And guess celebrate this joyous day for you...I’ve even bought a gift!

Shawn points to the entrance...where Ashley Valentine is standing! She looks worse than the last time we saw her. Her hair is greasy and mangled, her clothes torn and ragged and it appears that she has put on 50 pounds.

Waters: I found her wandering some street...she was the one who recognized me...and now...she’s yours Mayo!

Ash waves at Maynard. Shawn tosses her a hotel key...and tosses a second to Maynard, who looks disgusted.

Waters: Don’t worry Maynard...she’ll be cleaner then Hellena...enjoy my gift!

Ashley leaves the room after blowing kisses to Maynard. Shawn sits down and raises his glass to Maynard. “Our Revolution” plays, and Ace is grinning from ear-to-ear as Shawn takes his leave from the podium. Before returning to his seat, Shawn gives a gentlemanly handshake to Maynard, although not without a little bit of disdain. Ace returns to the podium to continue the roast.

Ace King: Alright, next up tonight... He was the one of the first true high-flyers that Combat Zone Wrestling has ever witnessed... Whenever he is in an airplane. He also has some of the biggest arms I’ve ever seen. It makes me wonder how he wipes his own ass.

A nervous gale of laughter erupts from the audience as Ace smirks before continuing.

Ace King: Ladies and gentlemen, this is “The California Beast”, and whose biceps are three times the size of his penis...

The audience gasps at this revelation, which has the largest member of the gathering, Caleb Walker, a bit red in the face. Ace holds up a sheet of paper for the audience to see.

Ace King: Hey, it’s just business! I’m just going by what Jordan and Jenny told me!

Caleb is now incensed, and he proceeds to charge at Ace a la Scott Hall. Security quickly dives in to prevent a mass scene of anarchy, and it takes a team of three guards to take Caleb from the premises.

Ace King: *Calling after Caleb* Yeah, good riddance! Maybe that will teach you to STAY OFF THE ‘ROIDS!

Ace looks dead serious as he says this. The audience gives a nervous laugh at this new development, but Ace quickly shakes off the distraction and returns to the ceremonies.

Ace King: Well, I think this is a good time to take a break. But during this little intermission, we’ve got more thoughts from CZW Superstars regarding one year of Combat Zone greatness.

Once more, a video montage appears on screen...

Jacob Havok: This fed has given me something to do when my life has been pretty dreadful...and when I've had nothing to's broadened my mind...and I've made a lot of new friends. It's been one amazing which I'm surprised I stuck through, and I thank everyone for making this possible. Now...let's have an excellent 2009...and how about a World title run guys? Please???

Ruthless Aggression: I have been with the company for almost a year and can't really say anything bad about this company. To me everyone has become like a family to me. I see the company as a family and always will. I hope we stay as a family.

Derek Damage: I feel this company has stood its ground, and it has proven to be one of the hottest federations around, period. CZW is the best in the business today and i proud to have all of you working here and doing a great job. It’s truly an honour and a privilege to be part of this. Thank you to all who have stuck with us and may 2009 be even better.

Tim Timmons: For the past year I have made friends and I had also caused a lot of shit being the most cocky wrestler on the roster and although Tim is Canada's Finest that don't change the fact that there is a lot of talented super stars, and with them CZW is going to keep going up and I can't wait for it to rise to the top because slowly but surely we are rising to the top.

The video stops again, and the camera cuts back to Ace, who is smirking once more as he prepares to introduce the next Roaster.

Ace King: Our next roaster also has some colourful history with Maynard O’Toole... A history he loves to show people for hours and hours on end, I’ve got faith in that fact. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s my pleasure to introduce the new X-Champion, and a very good friend of mine. Here he is, THE ALL-AMERICAN NIGHTMARE!!!

At this point, none other than the CZW Head Of Continuity pulls Ace aside, and the two of them have a short sparring match off-camera. After Ace inquires “It’s not Lion Blackbird either?”, King quickly returns to the stage.

Ace King: OK, let me try that again... Here is MIKE MONROE!

At this point, the in-house band begins to play “Almost Easy”, only with a few modified lyrics...
He’s not insane, he’s not insane...
Wait, yes he is...
He’s not insane, he’s not insane...
We know his girl is really easy
Just banging her is really easy...

Mike shoots a dirty look at the band before shaking Ace’s hand and proceeding to the podium.

Monroe: Ladies and gentlemen, Ace King. The man that taught Jesse Montana to drive. I've seen better drivers playing bumper cars. Damn, Ace, drunk people have been like, "Gimme the keys man, you're not in the frame of mind to drive."

The crowd roars in laughter as Ace also joins in.

Monroe: Let's see who is here tonight. Ahhh...Tim Timmons. The man who was taught to spell by Helen Keller. Apparently, he didn't learn a damn thing. If he talked as bad as he spelled, it would sound like someone trying to stutter through opera with horse cum in their mouth.

Laughter from the crowd was mixed with a loud "OOOOOHHHHHH!"

Monroe: Let's see, Krimzon Blaze...nah too easy.

More raucous laughter from the crowd and everyone on stage. Mike looked among the roasters before having a grin come across the face.

Monroe: It's "Rated D for Dipshit" Eddie Rowan. You are right about one thing though, Eddie. This does feel good around the waist.

Mike raises his X title in the air with his right arm. The crowd cheered very loud and started to chant "Rematch".

Monroe: I plan on being a fighting champion, so anytime, anywhere. The ring, backstage, locker room, your mom's room after I give her a quickie. Because I don't think you were at your best, and I want to fight you at you best.

The crowd cheered as Mike started to smile.

Monroe: Now on too why we are here this evening. The World Heavyweight Champion, Maynard O'Toole The O.G.T. Which as you may know, it stands for One Gross Tit. The only man to have lost to every member of Beautiful Agony. Yes, even Tatum. So when we need to pad our win column, at least we know who to go to. Another thing, how many damn stables have you been in? You change stables more than partners Hellena has on a normal Friday.

In all seriousness, congrats on your title win. You deserve it. I know from experience that you are one hell of a wrestler and a hard motherf**ker to beat. Here's hoping that this year is even better than last year.

The band reprises “Almost Easy” (The real version), and Mike proceeds to shake Maynard’s hand as well. They talk heartily for a minute before Mike returns to his seat. Ace returns to the podium to consider the show.

Ace King: Nice job on that, Mike. And for the record, Tatum knows about the only kind of driving I do.

The audience “OOOH!”’s at that announcement. Mike appears to want to go after Ace for making another Tatum dig, but Ace quickly says “I’m joking!”, and Mike quickly sits down, laughing. Ace is laughing nervously, as he now realizes that Ruthless Aggression is in the audience.

Ace King: Sorry, babe. It didn’t really happen, but I’m obligated to make sex jokes up here for some reason. ANYHOW, on to our next Roaster. Nobody knew if he’d be here tonight, but lo and behold, he is back from the dead... And Emily Osment’s house. Ladies and gentlemen, BRIAN KIRKLAND!

The band begins to play a comical rendition of “Time Of Dying” as Brian Kirkland makes his way to the podium. Kirkland and Ace shake hands and talk for a moment before Kirkland takes the podium.

BK: Well, well,well, Once again I get a chance to run down Maynard O'toole. But first I gotta give a message. Chris Ross. I know you planned on playing the biggest game of grand theft auto but Don't even think about it, I rode a purple vespa here tonight just because of you. Now to Maynard. Maynard and I share a special bond, we're the only two CZW stars from north Carolina so we kinda gravitate together. That being said, lines can be crossed and mayo is the king of crossing lines i gotta say it now, No means No Maynard!

BK laughs.

BK: I've been up and down the road with Mayo alot, I've tore apart his locker room, burnt down his house and stole his gym stuff, during these little adventures I've found out some verry disturbing and strange things about Mayo.


Brian points to the screen.

Kirkland points to Maynard's house and the mob charge the place, A short montage set to the rest of “Hell yeah” plays showing them randomly trashing the house. When the song stops Kirkland is standing in the middle of the living room looking around before hearing someone yell from another room.

Kash: WHAT DA f**k MAN!!!

Brian rushes into the room to see Kash backed up into the corner of the room, pointing at pile of junk beside a overturned and cut up bed.

BK: What is--

Kirkland gets closer and sees what the junk is, it’s a pile of whips, chains and bondage gear with a Jesse Montana mask on top.

Kirkland backs up to the wall, slides over to Kash and pulls him out of the room and they fall to the floor back in the living room

Kash: What the hell is wrong--

This time it is Kash who is interrupted

ER: Oh my god you guys have to see this!!!

Kirkland and Kash walk into the room were the voice came from, once inside he sees Eddie and havok looking threw a pile of CDs

BK: What’s all the commotion?

JH: Look at this

Jacob throws Kirkland a CD

BK: Wow, I didn't know Maynard was into that

ER: Look at this one

Eddie holds up another CD

BK: Is that....

ER: Yes, its the Village people...

JH: And of course...

Havok holds up a blank CD marked “It’s raining men”

BK: I think I'm starting to regret coming in this freak's home...

As Kirkland said that another yell is heard and Ace is seen running down the steps into the living room. Kirkland walks in and looks at Ace then walks up the steps. Kirkland takes a left and sees El Pablo on the floor sucking his thumb in front of an open door. Kirkland curiously walks in the room only to be horrified to see that the walls are plastered with pictures of Macaulay Culkin. Kirkland slowly backs out and shuts the door. He looks a little farther to the left and sees korpse fiddling with a rope hanging down that opens up the attic, Korpse pulls it a few times before putting his power behind it and pulling it open but to everyones dismay and disgust a Nude Rave falls down on top of Korpse

Korpse: What the f**k!! get the f**k off me!!

Korpse flips Rave off of him then crawls away to Kirkland. Rave is fully nude and his arms and legs are tied together.

BK: That’s it, I vote we get the hell outta here!

Korpse: I second that man!


BK: That was the fist time i went into Maynard's stuff, the second time was much the same


BK: No, you open it

DC: I said you open it!

BK: And I'm telling you to open it!

Britt: For god's sake I'll open the stupid thing!

Britt grabs the bag and un-zips it.

Britt: There, was that so ha---EWWW! WHATS THAT SMELL!!

Britt quickly covers her nose and mouth as does Dwayne and Brian.

DC: I think it might be this...

Dwayne puts his hand in the bag and pulls out a half eaten, mouldy bowl of spaghetti and meat balls.

BK: Oh that’s just Nasty.

DC: Yeah.....Britt toss this

Dwayne throws the bowl to Britt who literary tosses it....out of the window.

BK: What else is in it?

DC: Let’s see, A stack of signed 8 by 10s, some knee pads and—I'm gonna kill him!

BK: What is it?!

DC: This

Dwayne pulls out....

BK: That’s real? I thought that thing was fake

DC: Apparently not!

BK: Calm down, look I'll hit him one more time for you tonight.

DC: Yeah, yeah, I'm not looking anymore, your turn

Dwayne kicks the bag to Brian

BK: Let’s see here, we got a few more DVD's, Iron Man, Halloween and....MY EYES!!

DC: What is it?!

Dwayne looks in Brian's hands to see


Britt looks at Brian and Dwayne with a confused look then grabs the DVD

Britt: Isn't this that retarded guy that slurs his words and shit

BK: Yes! Now get rid of that!

Britt: Fine!

Britt tosses the DVD into the trash

BK: Oh god, I swear if I find a picture of Jena Cyde nude or something in this bag I'm gonna set it on fire.

Dwayne is looking in the bag again.

DC: You better get the matches then...

BK: Thats it! Zip that f**ker shut We're getting rid of it!


BK:Yes, that is your Champion. I'm sure theres other odd things about him but i think i've had my fill for tonight but before I leave i got a gift for mayo, this cost me a good chunk of change so you better love it. Hit it Boys!

Feva 4 the flava by Hot Action Cop begins to play as former CZW star Rave bounds out of the back in nothing but a yellow thong towards Maynard and begins to give Mayo, who is cracking up laughing, a very disturbing lap dance.

BK: That’s what you get for screwing me out of the IC title! Just kidding, congrats on the belt, you deserve it!

Ace King: Our next roaster, he’s... *Scratches his head* He’s... *More head-scratching*...SAMMY GIOVANNI!

Once more, the Head Of Continuity pulls Ace aside for another round of discussions. Ace just throws his arms up in the air before returning to the podium.

Ace King: Ladies and gentlemen... Accompanied by Kimo Newton... Here is “KRAZY” CHRIS ROSS!

The in-house band begins to play “Phenomenon” as Ross and Newton make their way to the stage. Chris Ross and Kimo Newton walk up to the microphone on stage.

Ross: Yes yes thank you thank you for that oh so warming welcome. I feel like Elton John after that cheering.

Kimo: Yo Ross they have a free open bar here! You want me to get you a drink dog?

Ross: No Kimo it’s our turn to do what everyone else is here to do. And that is roast the world champion Maynard O’Toole.

Kimo: Well hell I’m goin anyway!

Kimo walks off the stage and heads over to the open bar. Ross shakes his head and clears his throat.

Ross: Well I haven’t been in this federation that long but I have learned a few things. The first thing I’ve learned is that Shawn Waters is one of the few people you can look at and tell he’s a prick. Look at the guy. The golden blonde hair, the obnoxious smirk, the false sense of accomplishment. All signs of him being a prick.

Ross pulls out a list out of his back pocket and looks it over.)

Ross: Apparently I’m supposed to roast everyone in this room before saving the champ for last. That’s what the producer said so whatever…. Who do we got on the list… Well I see Maynard isn’t the only champion in the building. We have Mike Monroe here. Look at the guy. It’s about damn time he won something. If he were to get any more scars on his body he’d look like Leatherface. Maybe with your winnings you can get yourself some plastic surgery man because for real if you get any uglier you’ll start attracting zoo animals.

Ross takes a deep breath before moving onto the next victim.

Ross: We have Mr. Entertainment Brian Blaze here. If this guy is Mr. Entertainment then I need to call my cable company and file a complaint. Mr. Entertainment? I’ve watched you before and it was the greatest cure for Insomnia ever. You want to entertain people? I wouldn’t be surprised if people were to start throwing garbage at you. I’m sorry but someone needs to pull the plug on Mr. Entertainment and get him the hell off the air.

Ross turns and looks at Tim Timmons and lets out an amusing laugh.

Ross: Tim Timmons… Am I the only person who noticed that your parents have the largest lack of creativity ever? Your last name is Timmons and so they name you Tim? Poor guy must have been stuffed in more lockers than able to count in high school..

Kimo casually stumbles back over with a bottle of Jamaican rum in hand.

Kimo: Yo Ross Dog isn’t Tim Timmons a name of a character in that Scrooge Christmas story?

Ross: Kimo how the f**k would you even know that?!

Kimo: I dunno. Lucky guess?

Ross: ANYWAY! Moving on… I see we got Eddie Rowan here.

Kimo: Yo dog. I feel bad for ya. Ya lost yo bling!

Ross: Yeah It’s not that you’re not talented. It’s just that you suck. I mean you lost to a guy who looks like he had his body lit on fire and put out with an ice pick.

Kimo: Ladies and gentlement let’s give a round of boos for Mr. Eddie Rowan!

A chorus of boos engulfs the entire room.

Ross: Oh doesn’t it feel so good knowing so many people love you.

A random drink hits Rowan in the head.

Kimo: Yo dog! That was uncalled fo! But that was funny as shit!

Ross smirks amused before he goes down the list again.

Ross: We have the man who single handedly saved the hardcore division Brian Kirkland.

Ross looks at Kirkland and sighs.

Ross: Ok you know what if no one else is going to say it then I am! Brian Kirkland is on steroids! He isn’t Mr. Straight Edge! He lives life on the edge! I’m also willing to bet deep down inside he smokes crack and drinks like a thirsty camel.

Kimo: Mayne look at him. You know after the show he’s going to raid tha free open bar after! C’mon Kirkland I know ya want some!!!

Kimo waves his bottle of Jamaican rum in Kirkland’s face.

Kimo: Drink me Kirkland! I am so good for you! I am so rich and alcoholly!

Ross: A free open bar and he’s drinking Coca Cola like a 2 year old. We could save you Kirkland! We can save you from being a loser!

Ross lets out an amusing laugh as he moves on down the list.

Ross: Caleb Walker… The funding for this program must have gotten cut because I don’t even know who the f**k that is.

Ross turns to Krimzon Blaze when suddenly Kimo’s cell phone goes off.

Kimo: Hello? Yo what up Red Dog where ya at? Aight excellent! Yea it’s the pimped out Hearse. Why tha f**k do ya think we want it!? It’d be a great addition to our collection!

Ross: Kimo you do know that we’re on stage now right?

Kimo: Hold on… Yo Ross! Shut it! I’m on the phone!

Ross holds his head disgusted as Kimo continues.

Kimo: Yea just take it to tha shop, throw some D’s on that bitch and bring it to the ware house! Aight peace! Seems like everything is goin as planned!

Ross: You are an idiot Kimo!

Just then some random backstage worker walks in.

Worker: Um hi excuse me attention please! Whoever drives the Hearse, Your car is being towed right now.

Ross: Oh come on! Who the hell let this jack ass in the building?!

After the guy leaves there is an awkward silence as the camera focuses on Krimzon Blaze who is now staring a hole through them.

Ross: Look Kimo I think we made the little guy mad.

Kimo: It’s always the small ones that you have to worry about.

Ross: Here is something I’ve been wondering since I came here. Are Brian and Krimzon Blaze related?

Kimo: It’s possible Dog I mean they both are lame… Although Krimzon does look like a crack baby due to his size.

Ross and Kimo just look away from Blaze.

Ross: Anyway! El Pablo! Hey man what’s the deal! You’ve been falling behind on my yard work!

Kimo: Yea dog! Ya also forgot to clean out the swimming pool last week!

Ross: Wait hold on Kimo I think we’re getting him mixed up with Pablo the yard work guy.

Kimo: Then who is El Pablo? The Janitor?

Ross: No… The Janitor is friends with that blob J.A. Sawyer.

Kimo and Ross stand there and scratch there heads.

Ross: So last and not least we have Matt Covey. I can guarantee that we will never steal anything from this guy because he has absolutely nothing of any value. See look.

Kimo walks over to Covey and takes his shoes off his feet.

Covey: Meh take them…

Kimo: Mayne this guy takes the fun out of being full time criminals! At least get pissed or something!

Kimo throws them back at Covey.

Ross: Matt Covey is the only person I know that could drink Kimo under the table. Just looking at him I’m waiting for his liver to shoot out of his ass.

Ross flings the list over his shoulder and looks over at Maynard O’ Toole.

Ross: And so this brings us up to the reason we’re all here today. To roast you Mr. O’Toole. Only in CZW could someone nicknamed Mayo be a world champion.

Kimo: Heh. Roast Mayo… Sounds like a southern dish.

Ross unplugs Kimo’s microphone.

Ross: But all joking aside I could sit here and list off insult after insult but that wouldn’t really effect him much.

Kimo: So what we did was dig deep! We dug deep to find that dirt we needed! It’s like they say a picture is worth a thousand words!

Ross pulls out a picture of some sort.

Ross: And right here is a picture that will say everything.

Kimo: I title this one as Maynard the old days.

Ross slides the picture under the projector and it comes up on the screen.

Ross: Good lord.

Kimo: Yo is that Matt Covey there?!

Ross and Kimo squint at the picture and look back at Covey.

Ross: Well I’ll be damned! That is Covey!

Kimo: When the hell did he have short hair?! The guy looks like he got in a fight with a lawn mower!

By now Kimo is laughing so hard that he falls over off the stage.

Ross: Mayo man come on! I know you can do so much better than Matt Covey!

Kimo: What the hell will Hellena say about this shit?!

Ross and Kimo stumble off the stage still laughing as Kimo guzzles down his Jamaican Rum. Ace, with a slightly-raised eyebrow in the direction of Ross and Newton, continues on unfazed by what he is seeing.

Ace King: Well, it’s time for another break in the proceedings. Here now is one final video of CZW Superstars talking about the one year anniversary of Combat Zone Wrestling.

Once more, a video cues up in the back room, which is now playing...

Mortius: I joined here in early October, so sadly I missed a lot of the important growing stages of CZW’s first year, but what I found was a federation occupied by the most friendly people i could have imagined, you accepted me, and I grew to find that it is more like a family in here. This place is more than a federation. CZW is my home inside my home, I have made good mates and great friends. CZW was supposed to be an escape for me, but instead I found that it was more real than what you can find out of your front door. So I’m going to take this opportunity to thank all of you that have made this place unique, and for accepting me in, CZW is my home, this is where my family lives, and I’ll never leave. You guys are the best.

Mike Monroe: This is by far the best damn federation I have ever been in. I consider all of you close friends, and that’s something that I can't say anywhere else. CZW until the end.

”Bad Ass” Matt Covey: Of course there has to be one asshole to come in here and spit on shit. And I feel it's going to be me. Don't get me wrong, we have had a hell of a year and it doesn't appear to be slowing down any time soon. But here we are, our Anniversary show, and maybe HALF the roster decided to show? What the hell? Get off your lazy asses and, bitch smack somebody, and start a feud, by God! Throw another log on the fire, and let's keep this bitch burning!

The video cuts out once more, revealing Ace at the podium once more.

Ace King: For the longest time, I thought our next Roaster had all of the tools to become a World Champion one day, so long as he dropped the X-Title first. Then, I realized that he was just a tool. Ladies and gentlemen, it is my honour to introduce, the longest-reigning Champion in CZW history... EDDIE ROWAN!!!

Eddie gets up from his seat and proceeds to the podium. As he does so, the in-house band gives an earth-shattering performance of “Doomsday Clock”. Eddie and Ace quickly shake hands, and Rowan proceeds to the podium, somewhat cleaned-up looking and wearing a suit and tie. He grins and nods at his fellow roasters and points to Maynard as he takes his place up at the mic.

Eddie: There he is! The World Heavyweight Champ! Don’t worry, Maynard, this isn’t another one of your toad-induced hallucinations, we’re really here!

He turns back to the crowd before him, grinning broadly.

Eddie: It’s an honor to be up here with all of the rest of these fine gentlemen. I see we have ‘Super Sneaky’ Tim Timmons. Good choice allowing him to be one of your roasters, Mayo, that way he can’t sneak a roll-up on you and take the title from you one second before this show ends!

Tim is shown on stage laughing along with the rest of the crowd.

Eddie: We’ve got El Pablo, which, as everyone knows, is Spanish for ‘The Pablo.’ I know, I know, you’re British, relax. Jeez, Limey… We’ve got ‘Mr. Infomercial’ Brian Blaze up here. He’s quite a bit like me only a little less funny and not nearly as good looking. Then there’s…

Eddie peers at Chris Ross for a second, scratching his head.

Eddie: I dunno, he looks like Sammy Giovanni’s stunt double. Way to represent the Samoan-Italian heritage, my friends. It’s also good to see that gay marriage is allowed in the Italian Islander tribes.

Kimo and Ross look at each other and then grin back at Eddie as the crowd all laughs heartily.

Eddie: Brian Kirkland, of course he had to be up here after all the history those two have had. Good guy, straight-edge like me, and then you go to the opposite side of the spectrum to Caleb Walker who has shot more steroids into his ass than Kirkland has jailbait pics on his hard-drive.

A shot shows Kirkland and Walker next to eachother, laughing it up with the rest of the group.

Eddie: Krimzon Blaze I’m not going to try and humiliate. I mean, after all the times I’ve beat him there’s really no need. Good ol’ Shawn Waters who has been taking a little time off from the ring lately… and I’ve just learned that it’s because he’s got a movie deal. That’s right, he’s going to be starring in the forthcoming Australian porno ‘Cock-odile Done-deep.’ Hey, whatever happens in the Outback stays in the Outback!

More laughter as the scene shows Waters and Blaze yukking it up on stage.

Eddie: Matt Covey who is probably so trashed right now we’ll be lucky if he doesn’t pass out on stage, start a fight, and sodomize someone. In that order. Then there’s Mike Monroe, who we basically have to worry about doing the same thing. You guys want to know why I REALLY left Beautiful Agony? Let’s just say hanging out in the Agony House got a liiiiiittle creepy sometimes. I mean, seriously, Mike, it was nice of your mom to let us chill out in the basement, but every time we were alone you kept trying to get me to dress up like Tatum! No means no!

We cut back a ways to see the whole group, all grins and chuckles, as Eddie turns to look at Maynard again.

Eddie: But this is a tribute to that man right there. ‘The Tool of Tools.’ ‘The Rake.’ ‘The Circular-saw Assassin.’ Because he is that damn good. Or at least that’s what Covey keeps paying Hellena to tell him, anyway. This man just made it to the top of the mountain! He’s been around for a majority of CZW’s lifespan so far and he’s reached the apex! And he did it like a man would. He crawled up Jesse Montana’s ass while HE was climbing the ladder and let him do all the work for him!

The crowd lets out a loud “Ooooooooooo...” Eddie just waves his hand dismissively.

Eddie: Naw, come on, you earned it, bro. You have an intercontinental title reign longer than Jacob Havok’s dry spell with women! You showed the same kind of dedication and pride to that title that Alanso dedicates to his Brazilian-waxed ass…what? How’d I know? I stole Grantham’s diary at the last house show. It’s all in there.

More laughter from the crowd. Alanso is shown giggling madly like a girl and clapping animatedly.

Eddie: Yes sir, Mayo, you’ve come a long way from licking frog-butts for kicks. You are now THE man to beat. And just like your mommy told you in grade school…also yesterday…we’re only up here making fun of you because we’re all jealous.

Eddie starts to clap for Maynard, the rest of the crowd following suit. He heads over and gives O’Toole a hug and moves back to his seat as the crowd continues to applaud. Ace hastily returns to the podium in an effort to keep the flow of the show going.

Ace King: That was a truly great effort, Eddie. I managed to keep my lunch in my stomach. Ladies and Gentleman, our next roaster is one of heart, passion, resilience, and determination... and i'm saying that he's somewhat of a Specialist... Ladies and Gentleman, "The Aerial Specialist" Krimzon Blaze!

The crowd go berserk as Ace leaves the podium as Trapt - Headstrong surveys the crowd as fans and those in attending the roast all clap as KB walks over to the podium, dressed to impress wearing an XTC shirt with a black trench-coat along with his usual bottom attire.

KB: Welcome everyone to the Roast of Maynard O'Toole, the Original Gangster Tool... Come on now, you’re kidding me right?

Maynard along with WDS in tow all begin watching KB with a bit of jilted laughs.

KB: Over the past year of 2008, Maynard sure did make it his mission to become World Champion... and what a way... First backstabbing a bunch of people in aligning with The Upstarts, only for Jesse Montana to somehow notice that he never noticed... Wait... Jesse Montana... Maynard O'Toole... sounds like another Can-You-Get-It-Upstarts DVD...

Maynard laughs as WDS jeers more

KB: The Whole Damn Show... Really? You couldn't come up with any other stable name? The Whole Damn Show... If you really wanted, you could've just called yourselves "The Whole Reality Show"... Only problem with that is Jeff Probst would try to buy you guys and put you on Survivor: The Don't-Give-A-Crap Version...

WDS & Maynard now are laughing at that one.

KB: Alan Fiscus... A man of intelligence, yet a man who loves his cats... How can someone be "The Sadistic Solution" yet have a strong urging for cats? I mean, seriously, that's like telling me Maynard O'Toole has a fascination with midget wrestling... which by the way, he REALLY does... or, was it dwarf tossing? Hell, I can never figure it out.

Maynard laughs to himself about that one.

KB: Now, don't get me wrong, Fiscus and I have only crossed paths once in our illustrious careers... Wait, did i just say MY career was illustrious? Yeah, I went there. The point being is Fiscus isn't all that bad outside of the ring, but don't get him into a Jesse Montana mask... like, this one here.

KB holds up a Jesse Montana mask, which looks familiar to Fiscus, as KB throws it as Fiscus causing Alan to spill his drink from earlier.

KB: Oh I’m sorry Fiscus, I didn't know you could afford shaggy clothing, considering your hair-style hasn't changed since the '90s...

The crowd all cheer at that as KB regains himself, then looks over at Eddie.

KB: Eddie Rowan... A once proud X-Division Champion, turned jackass in the next instant... To say I respected you demeans my moral fiber... To question you about joining The Whole Damn Show, well, I could overlook that... You are who you say you are... A Douche bag. You know that famous saying you have Eddie, you know, "Bouche"... Well, lets just say I cooked up something in particular...

KB points to the background as an image of Eddie Rowan appears eating various "wieners" as Eddie tries to rush KB, but gets stopped by CZW security.

KB: Look, someone had to say it Eddie, you've taken one too many "Bouches" in your days... Lets focus on someone MUCH LESS deserving... Bryan McNally.

The crowd jeer at McNally.

KB: McNally is one of those types you don't want to piss off, yet he finds enjoyment in being ridiculous sounding, so with that in mind, I had help in making McNally a poem since he likes those SO much.

The lights dim as KB begins reading...

Bryan McNally
So full of hate and wonder
I look at you with dishonour
Your plans for domination fail
Just like The Whole Damn Show
You’re nothing compared to Team XTC
Your cherished memories broken
Your victims don't bleed one bit
As you've just been silenced
By The Aerial Specialist.

The lights come back up as KB stands proud of his work as McNally is beat-red in the face angry.

KB: With the atmosphere surrounding this occasion, I turn my direct focus to "The Bad Ass" Matt Covey.

Covey stands and takes a bow, only to have Fiscus say out loud "f**k that, don't give KB that satisfaction" as Covey agrees with Fiscus.

KB: Oh yes Covey, be the sheep f**ker we always knew you would be by following Fiscus' lead... As I was saying, Matt Covey, a brutal human being that will f**k anything that's living, or for that matter, breathing... A hypocrite, A sycophant, A degenerate at best, I've been on his hit-list for awhile, and his greatest pleasure was dismantling Fire and Ice for the World Tag-Titles... Poor Covey, was that not enough for you? Not only did you demean the World Tag Titles, you lit them aflame and chose the Global straps... What was the point Covey? Were you too f**ked up in the head to choose which Tag-Titles you wanted? Covey is the lowest form of sheer jackass that I've had the pleasure of facing in the ring... But you know what, my insults wont get through to him anyway as he's waiting to verbally anal rape me with his own sick and twisted pleasure, even if it means calling me a dirty sanchez mexican stealing his bikes and getting invisible Bicycle Kicked my head clean off by a 7 foot giant with no great and grand finisher, yet he's contemplating beating my skull in, in any chance he gets.

Covey appears unphased by all of that as he just flips KB off, the traditional Matt Covey way.

KB: Before I get to the man of the hour, here's how this next little part is going to go. I'm starting with Beautiful Agony...

KB looks over at Monroe.

KB: All jokes aside, Mike Monroe and I have legendary history... I've survived all of his encounters since my debut back in February of '08... Mike, you and me buddy, next GLOBAL *looks over at Fiscus and Maynard* Tag-Team Champions...

Both Fiscus and Covey just laugh

KB: But in all seriousness, Monroe, Sometimes I wonder about you dude... I know you've got X-Division Gold sitting neatly in your lap, but mind you, I was screwed out of that X-Division Championship... One of these days though, I will regain that gold.

KB and Monroe stand face-to-face before each of them crack a smile as KB goes back to the podium.

KB: Onto Brian Kirkland, the reigning CZW Hardcore Champion... BK, you've taken a WHOLE bunch of shit in 2008, but really, you know its all in good fun... that is until Covey makes it personal and ACTUALLY shoves shit into your mouth...

Covey busts up laughing at that as the crowd are in sheer tears at this point.

KB: But seriously though Burger King, we mean you no harm... Yeah, I couldn't say that with a straight face, I’m sorry... But you know BK, you've got a ton of heart, charisma, passion for CZW, and honestly, one of the best damn people I've been looking to face 1 on 1 in the ring sometime in 2009... Enough of that asshole, let’s go to Tatum Regan...

Tatum looks at KB with a stern look.

KB: Hey sweetie, don't look at me like that, I know you've been wanting a piece of The Aerial Specialist since I’ve burst onto the CZW scene, it’s alright, but as you know, Jenny Jacobs couldn't handle a man such as myself... She kept blabbing on and on and on about how Matt Covey is "great" in bed, but seriously, all I had to do was put my burrito in her face and she sucked it like there was no tomorrow... Tatum, you are a great Queen in CZW without a doubt... You and Ruth have an uncommon bond that if any Queen would try to break, they'd be dead wrong about it. When I see you Tatum, you’re the future of the Queens Division, and a true asset to CZW.

Covey from afar: She's got an ass alright, DAMN!

Suddenly, Monroe springs out of his seat and tries to get to Covey but CZW Security flood Monroe.

KB: Well, looks like Covey can ruffle any man's feathers just by the sheer decay of his girlfriend, now...

The crowd are stunned at KB for saying that as Covey is actually trying to get to KB this time but once again, security breaks Covey up.

KB: Get that man a horse tranquilizer! God damn...

The crowd are laughing hysterical now at that one.

KB: Now, I get to roast my fellows, my pals, my homies from another mother... Team XTC's own: Ace King and El Pablo!

The crowd are in defeaning cheers for that.

KB: Lets start with the man at the helm of the greatest and GRANDEST stable of them all... *flips off all of WDS* Ace King... You know, for a Gambler from Vegas, you sure do have your run-in's with a bunch of people... Not only have you become the only triple-crown winner of CZW, holding the World, Intercontinental, and Tag Team Titles separately, you've created a STILL breathing stable known as Team XTC... Members have come, Members have gone, but you know Ace, you made the right decision allowing Shawn and I to join, and I mean that sincerely... Everyone knows that Ace couldn't be far off without his right-hand man, and right-hand indeed, El Pablo!

EP gets a very warm reception from the crowd.

KB: EP, for months you have criticized me for having short title reigns, while I know your kidding around about it, but let me say one thing: Who has the World Title now?

EP looks upset about that last statement.

KB: Hey, someone had to say it, but you know what EP, I have a feeling you'll get it back buddy, and i'm confident in your abilities to do so. Keep on keepin' on EP, I know you can do it... Okay, since that is all out of my system, I turn my attention FINALLY to man of the hour, Maynard O'Toole.

Maynard stares daggers at KB.

KB: Maynard O'Toole... the one who wanted to make me a stepping stone ever since he came into CZW... well, ive got news for you Ma-nardo...I've never became a stepping stone to you, and look where you are now... CZW's crown jewel... The World Heavyweight Champion... But you know Maynard, everyone, including your own WDS stablemates, are after that very piece of gold... That same piece of gold that I want around my waist... And by any means necessary, I will take it Maynard, and that... THAT is a damn promise! Oh yes, by the way, I would advise you look up...

WDS look up to be covered in green mist as KB is doubled over in laughter.

KB: The Kode Of Silence... SILENCED YOU BITCHES UP, and Maynard, Congratulations, bastard!

KB then leaves the podium as WDS are still covered in green mist. K-Blaze and Ace are laughing quite heartily as both men take their regular places. Ace is at the podium once again, ready to introduce the next Roaster.

Ace King: Ladies and gentlemen, our next Roaster... Eh, I can’t bullshit this. He’s been my best friend the entire time we’ve been in Combat Zone Wrestling together. He’s been like a brother to me here, and I can always go to him whenever I need a blood transfusion, or a boost from a Mexic-English jumping bean. Ladies and gentlemen... EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL PABLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

At this point, the in-house band starts into “Been Training Dogs”. El Pablo gets to his feet and quickly shuffles over to the podium. Ace and El Pablo joke around for a second before “The Five tar Superstar” takes his place at the podium.

EL PABLO: Thank you, Ace King! And may I say you're doing a tree-mendous job as roastmaster this evening!

The crowd cracks up at this pun, although there are a fair few groans thrown in as well.

EL PABLO: Seriously though, nice to see you finally decided to show up again and give your boys a hand. What happened? Did you join Greenpeace and go and protest against deforestation in the Amazon? Don't get me wrong, I respect the cause.. and I guess if anyone knows how to conduct themselves while tied to a tree, it's you.

Another big laugh, as Ace just shakes his head, trying not to laugh himself.

EL PABLO: But of course, Ace and myself aren't the only Team XTC representatives here tonight..

A pre-emptive ripple of laughter spreads throughout the crowd, as the camera turns to Krimzon Blaze, his head in his hands in expectation of what's to come.

EL PABLO: To be fair.. I rip on KB quite a lot already.. and I feel quite bad about it, you know? He's a good guy, he's never hurt anybody that didn't deserve it.. it just seems a bit unfair that he should get so much abuse from people who are supposed to be on his own team.

The crowd lets out an "Aww.." although a few disappointed boos can be heard.

EL PABLO: Howwweverrrr.. with that said.. he IS the only person here whose total number of weeks as champion add up to less than the syllables in his name.

Everyone falls about in hysterics, KB included, as EP turns to The Aerial Specialist and gives him a thumbs up with a cheesy grin. After a few seconds, he turns back to the mic.

EL PABLO: OK, who else we got here?

EP scans the roasters for his next victim.

EL PABLO: Tim Timmons! "The Hardcore Master"!


Nah, too easy..


EL PABLO: No, to be fair.. I've got a lot of time for Tim. We've had our wars in the past.. you may remember we fought each other for the X-Title in the first ever Greenhouse Match back at Broken Hearts, Broken Bones, a match I still to this day consider one of the greatest matches in CZW history. It's probably just as well Tim didn't win.. you can't very well have a title represented by a man who can't even spell the name of it!

The crowd "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH"s at this gag, as TT clenches his fists at yet another cheap shot. EP just stands and smiles, then turns and waves at Timmons, before scanning across the roasters again.

EL PABLO: Ooh, Matt Covey's here!

A round of applause for Matt Covey, with a fair helping of boos to keep the theatre alive. Covey raises his drink, then sinks it in one.

EL PABLO: Yeah, he looks pretty good, don't you think? I mean.. considering his body looks older internally than Derek Damage's does externally!


EL PABLO: You know, Covey drinks so much.. that whenever takes a crap, his liver's in there praying he accidentally slips THAT out as well, just so he doesn't have to suffer anymore!

This draws yet another huge laugh, along with a big helping of semi-disgusted groans. EP just looks around, arms outstretched in mock protest.

EL PABLO: What, too much?

Another, smaller laugh at this.

EL PABLO: Who else? *clicks fingers* "Krazy" Chris Ross is here..


Nah, I don't know who he is either.

Yet another laugh, and Ross rolls his eyes and shakes his head, the smallest hint of a grin appearing on his face. EP takes a couple of seconds, apparently wracking his brains to try and remember just who Chris Ross is, before giving up and shuffling his notes, preparing to move on.

EL PABLO: Ooh! Caleb Walker! "The Franchise!"


Haha, people still care about him!


EL PABLO: Mike Monroe is here! A CZW Champion AT LAST ladies and gentlemen!

The crowd erupts in applause in acknowledgment of Mike's achievement.

EL PABLO: You know, after Beginning Of The End, Mike was asked by Ryan Lewis to give a couple of words about defeated Eddie Rowan and FINALLY making the step up we've been wanting him to for so long.. He got to about 1 and a half, decided that was good enough, and left the rest up to fate.

The crowd laughs again, although it apparently takes a little while for some of them to get the joke.

EL PABLO: But.. you know, we could stand here all day just randomly ripping on each other.. and we have!


EL PABLO: But of course, the real reason we're all here is to.. "honour".. our new World Heavyweight Champion, Maynard O'Toole!


This would be a LOT easier if he hadn't just beaten me FOR said World Heavyweight Championship..


EL PABLO: "Can't wrestle for shit".. Me and my big mouth!


EL PABLO: Having said that.. Mayo, when you decide to give me my rematch, what's say we have ourselves a Boiler Room Brawl?

The crowd pops again, presumably in support of this unexpected suggestion. EP milks it for a second, then motions for them to quieten down again.

EL PABLO: Not for "hardcore" or "innovative" purposes.. Just because, you know, there's no balconies for you to throw me off.. Let's see how f**king clever you are then eh.

EP grins at Mayo as the fans applaud once more.

No seriously, good luck to ya Mayo, a deserving win, a deserving champion.. I feel I should point out though, that the last person to replace El Pablo as a singles champion reigned for.. say, how many weeks was it again, KB?

EP looks off-screen towards KB, although the camera remains focused on The Five Star Superstar. After a few moments, EP grins, and the crowd starts laughing, suggesting that KB may be doing something amusing.

EL PABLO: Just the one? I'm sure it was more than that..

ANYWAY.. here's to you Mayo!

El Pablo then hesitantly makes his way over to Maynard, and after a bit of a staredown, the two men share a quick handshake before El Pablo returns to his chair. Ace returns to the podium, albeit somewhat reluctantly at this point.

Ace King: Thanks, Paul.

The jaws of the audience drop in unison as Ace has seemingly broken a character wall. El Pablo just holds his arms up in protest as Ace continues the evening’s festivities.

Ace King: And our final roaster of this WONDERFUL evening... He’s a despicable man who recently tried to kill me, much the same way I tried to do the same to him. However, I knew that this evening would not be complete without him here. SO, without further adieu, here is... MATT COVEY.

Matt heads up to the podium, nodding at Ace and smiling as he passes King on the way. When he gets to the podium, he can be seen holding onto a Colt 45 malt liquor. Unlike most of the others however, he’s not wearing a suit, but merely his same old jeans and leather jacket look. Mind you, a new leather jacket as Ace ripped the old one all to hell. And beneath that jacket is a shirt that reads “I (heart) Fiscus”. Matt clears his throat and begins.

Matt Covey: Sorry if I look a little worse for wear this evening. I recently did a program with our host this evening. Of course nobody took the time to tell me what a shit driver he was. I assume in Canada, if you can start a car, you can have your license. Road kill be damned…

Matt looks over the crowd, making a few faces as he goes along.

Matt Covey: Well, at least I can take solace in that fact that I still look better than most of you jerk offs. I mean, seriously. Is that Mountain Man? Jesus Christ, son. I may have been hit by a car, but it looks like you got ass raped by a bulldozer! And look, you have a twin brother!

Out in the crowd, Mountain Man is trying not to laugh, yelling something back at the stage.

Matt Covey: What? No? That’s your wife? DAAAAMN! Remind me to stay away from heavy machinery. Let’s see who else we got out here tonight… Ah! Miss Ruthless Aggression! You’re looking lovely tonight. I mean that. But you look a bit lonely sitting out there all by yourself.

Matt turns to Ace, smiles real big, and then turns back to the crowd.

Matt Covey: I guess Ace hit’s a lot more walls than pussy!

A fit of laughter ensues with Ace smiling and shaking his head as he flips Matt off. Matt opens the Colt 45 and takes a massive guzzle from the bottle. He then caps the lid, belches over the microphone, and grins.

Matt Covey: Sorry people. This is my fourth one of these since this Roast started. I had to start drinking early tonight, otherwise I would never understand a damn thing Tim Timmons says.

Somebody in the crowd yells, “Ya got burned, bitch!” Matt laughs and Timmons looks peeved that people have been riding his grammar problems all night long.

Matt Covey: Come on now, people. You don’t have to speak well when you’re as cool as f**king Tim Timmons. This rowdy son of a bitch has been skipping English class since the first grade. Yeah, he’s too “hordcare” for that shit. Timmons, dude, I got three words for you and I’ll sound them out real nice and slow. Hell, you can jot them down if you want. Are you ready?

Matt is grinning at TT who trying not to laugh at the jokes at his expense.

Matt Covey: Hooked. On. Phonics. Look into it. But seriously, we’re here tonight to honor a man who has spent the past two or three months chasing the most coveted prize in this business. It almost seems sad until you realize that Mike f**king Monroe has been doing the same thing for almost a year now! And throughout the character changes, and the two basketballs under a shirt he calls his girlfriend, when the smoke clears after a long year of searching…he comes up with the X-Title?!? I’ll tell ya white Mike. Have Tatum take off that tight ass dress she’s wearing tonight, and we’ll call you the XXX champion. And then maybe, just maybe your career won’t have been in vain.

Between fits of laughter, some Beautiful Agony fans in the crowd ring out with a small chorus of boos. Matt cocks an eyebrow humorously and just shrugs.

Matt Covey: Hey assholes, this is a roast. I’m roasting. f**k you.

The man of the hour, Maynard O’Toole, is dying of laughter from his throne.

Matt Covey: Of course it could always be worse. You can always make a career out of cleaning up other people’s shit, and then become a star by taking other people’s shit. Am I right, Sawyer?

Matt points out J.A. in the crowd.

Matt Covey: You’re my boy, blue! Let’s see… Wow! Looks like we have all of XTC and their upgrade package, Beautiful Agony here at once! Nice. There’s just nothing like getting your balls busted by a Canadian who destroys property when parallel parking, a Mexican jumping bean, a Brit who thinks he’s a Mexican jumping bean, a shady “I’m in. Now I’m out.” Australian, and I saved the best for last, and you can kiss my ass Brian Kirkland… A classic American Pedophile.

The crowd begins to boo the last part.

Matt Covey: What? You can’t make this kind of shit up! I’m surprised Kirkland even showed up here tonight. Last I heard there was a Hanna Montana Live performance at the concert hall a few blocks down. If you hurry BK, you might just catch Emily Osment’s shower scene.

Brian Kirkland gets up from his seat like he’s going somewhere.

Matt Covey: BK? Really? Sit the f**k down! I’m just yanking your chain, son. Besides, the shower scene already happened last night… It was wonderful.

Matt grins again, knowing he just turned the pedophile joke back on himself. Much to the audience’s delight, they commence with the laughter once more. Kirkland flips Matt off, laughing to himself as he does so.

Matt Covey: I’m sorry I riled you up, Captain Kirk, but you gotta calm down. I’m not fifteen. But from what I hear, if you’ll let him, Shawn would like to be “Testing the Waters”. So anyway, yeah. Canadian. Mexican. British Mexican. Australian. And an American. The f**king United Nations of the CZW… No wonder wars break out every five minutes and nothing gets done about it.


Matt Covey: That was a political joke. f**k you guys.


Matt Covey: Of course I think it’s very sporting of El Pablo to be here tonight, celebrating the man who beat him for the World Title. That’s a classy move, Pabs. Good form. But then again, you have to expect as much from a guy who one of his best friends is almost literally retarded.

El Pablo: He’s your cousin!

Matt Covey: Hey, I’m related to him by blood. You’re friends with him by choice. If that, the Jena Cyde fiasco, and watching two cartoon mice f**k like rabbits, doesn’t say something about your decision making skills, then shit, I don’t know what does!

El Pablo looks to be in tears as he laughs, applauding.

Matt Covey: Let’s see, who else do we have here… Ah! Chris Ross. You know, it would be far too easy to go the same route that everybody else has already, and claim I have no idea who the hell you are. Well, I like to think I’m of a higher class than that. As a matter of fact, I know exactly who you are! And no, before everyone here assumes I’m going to make some lame sitcom “Friends” joke, I am not. No. Chris Ross is a category 3 hurricane that blew up on the coast looking to demolish everything. Then it got on land and sort of just died out without doing much of anything. But his little buddy Kimo on the other hand… Between the car jackings, the rum drinking, the shaving of beards… Sorry Mountain Man…Kimo is single handedly responsible for the downfall of our economy. Ross walks into an arena and people shake their heads and ask him if he’s lost. Kimo walks into an arena and gas prices shoot through the roof. Actually, now that I think about it, its good to se Kimo up here on the stage, showing some inititative with this roast. But, uh… What the hell are you doing here Ross?

Matt grins at Ross who smiles while mouthing back some choice words. Kimo merely raises a bottle of rum to Matt’s jokes and has himself a drink as Matt toasts him from the podium with his forty ounce.

Matt Covey: Last and most likely least, we have Brian Blaze and Caleb Walker. One of them is a superstar with so much potential, so much talent, and I can actually see him main eventing when he finally reaches that level. And of course, the other is Caleb Walker. ‘nuff said.

Walker looks angry as he also begins to mouth back.

Matt Covey: Take it easy, Walker. So I’m watching the Incredible Hulk movie with Edward Norton the other day, and I’m thinking to myself, “How did he change into the Hulk for the first time and his pants not just explode on impact?” This of course leads me to think, unwillingly mind you, that the Hulk’s cock has to look something like one of Caleb Walker’s arms. And seriously Caleb? I’m not trying to have you stumble over here and beat me down with two raging Hulk cock’s on Viagra. Wait, did I say Viagra? I meant steroids.

Caleb looks like he’s going to get up any second now, but Ace reassures him this is all in good fun, keeping him seated.

Matt Covey: And as far as that superstar with all the potential I was talking about? Yeah, I can see Brian Blaze doing great things for this business… The minute he changes his name and gets a personality that’s just a little more interesting than watching paint dry. “I’m Brian Blaze, not to be confused with Krimzon Blaze, though it appears we’re on the same page as far as winning streaks go!” Which is none, by the way folks. Seriously, with two Blazes around here, KB had to go searching through a Halloween thrift shop and reinvent himself just to stand out. And he STILL fails to win a money in the bank! But it’s cool KB, if nothing else you can always win an award for MITB perfect attendance or some shit. Give your mom a call, I’m sure she’ll be proud.

Krimzon Blaze, while laughing, stands up and raises a hatchet high into the air. Matt raises his forty ounce in return, mouthing the words “Much Clown Love” back at KB, who nods and sits back down. Matt turns and looks around the crowd some more, licking his lips.

Matt Covey: Man, there is a lot of good looking pussy in this crowd tonight!

The girls in the crowd hoot and holler, whistling back at Matt.

Matt Covey: Oh wait, that’s just Ruth again.

Ace makes a face that should basically read “Oh no, you did not just go there.” But he laughs as he covers his face with a hand.

Matt Covey: I’m just kidding Ruthie. You know the Covester loves you. You know who else, Matt Covey loves? Eddie f**king Rowan! But Eddie, this is a roast after all, and I’m about to grill you, son. You know, when Alan and I first thought of grabbing Eddie up, he had it all. He was on his way to becoming the longest reigning X champion in CZW history. He had the looks, the talent, and a sly demeanor that was begging to scream “I told ya so!” Of course here lately, things have taken a turn for the worst with Eddie. Tell me, Eddie, how do you hold an entire group on your shoulders, make them look good, only because you shine so much, and then hit a roadblock named Mike Monroe, that everyone before you has flattened already, and careen and crash like you did? I mean, come on! We’re talking about Mike “Punching Bag” Monroe here! Normally I would go on to make the joke “I think we may have grabbed the wrong guy”. But you’re my boy Eddie, one of the best friends a guy can have, and I won’t go there.

Eddie looks touched by the comment.

Matt Covey: But seriously, Eddie… Mike f**king Monroe?!?

Everyone blows up laughing again, except for Mike who appears to be wondering why everyone underestimates him.

Matt Covey: Let’s see, it feels like I’m forgetting somebody… Who could it be?

Maynard clears his throat loudly from his throne. Matt turns and looks at him.

Matt Covey: That’s right! We’re here to roast the hell out of your nuts, Mayn! You know, there’s a lot of things I could say about you. Like how you served faithfully as Jesse Montana’s bitch for so long. But you were successful while being his bitch. We could bring up the whole “toad fiasco”, but you were successful then as well. And now that I think about it, there’s not much you can say to roast a guy this successful that hasn’t already been said by the rest of these guys here tonight. So let’s just call it even, and let me congratulate you on a highly successful career in this industry. May your star only burn out the second you f**k some strange ass and herpes puts you on the shelf!

Matt toasts Maynard who raises his own wine glass into the air. They have a drink and then Matt approaches Maynard and gives him a hug. In the process he inadvertently knocks the world title off of the throne and onto the floor. As Maynard notices, he turns around and bends over to pick it up. Matt smirks as he reaches into his jacket pocket, pulling out the familiar dildo used in previous Maynard O’Toole sketches and promos… Upon bending over, some 100% Grade A official Maynard O’Toole butt crack looms over the top of his pants, and Matt jams the dildo tightly into Maynard’s ass, causing the world champion to jump several feet into the air with a surprised look on his face. Matt, his fellow roasters, and the crowd blow up into tears of laughter as Maynard pulls the object out of his pants, realizing what it is. Matt goes to the podium once more.

Matt Covey: you’ve been CORN’D, and NOW we’re even!

Matt and Maynard laugh together before embracing with one more hug before Matt heads back to his seat, still laughing. Ace is in a state of disbelief while remaining in stitches over Matt’s comments. Ace takes a moment to regain his composure before returning to the podium.

Ace King: Wow, I’m speechless here. I think Matt has pretty much owned everybody here. HOWEVER, Matt was the last of the Deus to speak. Next... The Man Of The Hour gets his turn, as The OGT gets to respond!

The audience is roaring with applause and laughter as Maynard smirks at the Deus. After a quick ad for Fiscagra, the Roast returns. Ace is standing at the podium once more.

Ace King: Well, it’s finally that time. Yes, it is now time for the Man Of The Hour to get all of us assholes back for everything we’ve said tonight. Now, ladies and gentlemen... The World Heavyweight Champion... MAYNARD O’TOOLE!

Maynard O’Toole gets up from his seat as “Die Eier Von Satan” is played by the in-house band. The eyes on the walls are blinking uncontrollably, each blink marking a change in eye color. Maynard and Ace share another handshake before the Champion gets to the podium.

Maynard O’Toole: First of all, I just want to thank everybody for coming out. This is a true honor to say the least, I cannot believe how many people stepped to the plate when they found out they had the opportunity to, verbally, whip my ass. Can you hence my sarcasm? But seriously guys, thanks for coming out. Right now, I’d just like to thank everybody one by one, so…”

Maynard looks over at Chris Ross

Maynard O’Toole: Let’s start with…..ehhh…..erm……uhhhh…..hmmmm…..who the hell are you again?”

Maynard looks over to the left and the right then listens to his ear piece

Maynard O’Toole: OH, right, Ross well then there you go, you learn something new every day. I’ve actually seen a match or two of yours, Ross and I was impressed but I’ve also seen some other work you’ve done, OUTSIDE of the ring, as well and that’s why…… I drove one of DD’s cars to the show. You’re not getting your hands on my do-….erm , never mind.

Maynard O’Toole: Now then, Brian Blaze….Brian, you truly are making a name for yourself here in CZW”

Everyone in the room claps for Brian Blaze

Maynard O’Toole: That’s right, give the man some respect……’s just too bad that name is ‘BLAZE’….oh that’s right, I just said that and speaking of which, I’ve got something for you, BB.”

Maynard calls for the big screen and a footage of the joke, Maynard just said replays on the screen over and over again, in a loop

Maynard O’Toole: Now take two of those and call me in the morning. OHHH!!!! Now on to Caleb Walker. Caleb I don’t really know what to say because you and I haven’t really bumped heads yet. You were hear when I arrived then you left and returned not too long ago. But you sure have accomplished a lot here in CZW, I mean, remember that time……hmmmm …. And then…..ehhh….

Awkward pause

Maynard O’Toole: Ehhhh….I got nothin’. Well anyway.”

Maynard looks over at Shawn Waters

Maynard O’Toole: OH SNAP, IT’S SHAWN WATERS, SON! Shawn it was loads of fun hanging out with you when we were in the Upstarts together. Then you turned your back on Jesse but I don’t blame you there, hell, Jesse’s had more backs turned on him than Ron Jeremy. Then towards the end of the year, well you sort of lost it. I mean what happened, did you walk in on Debra Lopez in the shower? Somewhere Leah Kimara is taking her gloves off.”

Krimzon Blaze is in the house, everyone, hey KB, I almost didn’t see you over there, stand up. Oh wait, you are standing, my bad. I’m sorry, KB, you are the last person I want to piss off. I mean how else is my lawn going to get mowed? I kid, KB I’m sorry if I upset you, but on the other hand your anger would probably only last for two weeks anyway, so…”

I see some other faces over here, ahh, Brian Kirkland. Hey BK, glad you could make it out here, I see you’ve finally escaped those damn two big oily guys. Now I know you must all be thinking BK wont like that joke but seeing as that joke is only a minute old, I beg to differ.”

Maynard looks over at Matt Covey

Maynard O’Toole: Bad Ass” Matt Covey, this man has had my back since day one. I appreciate everything you have ever done for me but most importantly, I appreciate you pimping Hellena out to me so many times.

Maynard winks at Hellena

Maynard O’Toole: Last but not least we have Tim Timmons. This man has been here since day one and I respect that. Tim, man you ‘ROOL’ … you are truly ‘HORDCOR’. Seriously though, I can’t wait for you to come back, hang out and you know, throw some more wieners at Kirkland.”

Thanks guys for your *ahem* “kind” words. Ace, thanks for putting this little shindig together, you’ve all been great.

”Die Eier Von Satan” is reprised by the band as Maynard leaves the podium to a standing ovation from the live audience. Maynard takes the opportunity to shake the hand of each and every Roaster present. As he does this, Ace addresses the still-cheering audience.

Ace King: Well, that’s about all the time we have for this year’s Anniversary Roast. I hope everybody had fun here tonight, and I’d like to thank all of the Roasters for taking time out of their busy schedules to be here this evening, as well as a huge thanks to Maynard O’Toole himself for allowing us to direct a bit of extra venom his way. To all of the guys in CZW management, thanks for allowing us to put this on and take our zany antics to the mainstream. But most importantly, thank you for being a part of this Anniversary Roast. We’ll see you again when our next Anniversary rolls around.

The audience is still standing as Ace takes his leave. All of the CZW Superstars all talking freely with one another as the scene fades to black. The CZW logo appears on the screen, signalling the end of the broadcast.

©2009 CZW-EFED /All rights reserved.